2016: the hate chart

Time for my last word on my most hated songs of 2016 - a year which delivered many songs which were overplayed, overrated and overstayed their welcome in a top 40 singles chart which is now more depressingly stagnant than ever, thanks to streaming. The radio stations were no better, playing the same songs, hour after hour, for months on end.

All of these songs were hits either in the UK or elsewhere, but just because something's popular doesn't automatically mean I like it.  However music is a matter of taste, so I must acknowledge that although these were my least favourite songs of 2016, they may be in your list of favourites. Please understand that this is purely my personal choice!

15. "Say You Won't Let Go" - James Arthur.

This guy won X Factor in 2012 but it wasn't long until his career went into freefall after some controversies.  He returned in 2016 with this dreary acoustic number which makes it into my chart for two reasons: 1) its blatant similarity to the vastly superior "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script; and 2) the did-he-really-sing-that? line "I held your hair back when you were throwing up". How romantic.

14. "I Would Like" - Zara Larsson.

Zara is obviously a talented and very ambitious young artist who is going all-out for world domination, and she is refreshingly frank and fearless in expressing her opinions. However, can I throw in an #unpopularopinion here: if this trashy track with it's cringeworthy "I would like to get/under your sexy body" chorus is anything to go by, quality control seems to be slipping. She needs better songs.

14. "Pillowtalk" - Zayn.

The only bit I like in this is the "bed all day, bed all day" line, because I would rather sleep in bed all day than have to listen to this forced attempt at being all sexy-and-grown-up-and-let's-forget-I-was-ever-in-a-boyband piece of nonsense.

13. "Back To Sleep" - Chris Brown.

In case you wondered if romance is dead, then here's that most odious of r'n'b superstars to confirm it for you with this gruesome chat-up line.

12.  "One Call Away" - Charlie Puth.

It looks as if young Mr Puth could become a regular visitor to my annual hate chart. After the abomination of "let's Marvin Gaye and get it on" in 2015, he returned to torment us with this song which, you can just imagine high-profile featuring in all those Jamster ringtone ads from the days of Crazy Frog (!) if they were still going. The horror is not imaginary, it is reality, because one of my workmates has this as her ringtone. I think I'll get Crazy Frog for revenge.

11. "Summer 2016" - L.E.J.

Let's face it, friends, where would a EuropeCrazy hate chart be without an annual appearance from everyone's favourite irritating French trio?  This time they're mashing up the hits of 2016, from Hello to Hotline Bling to Stressed Out to Love Yourself and so on.  The only thing which would make them even more irritating would be to cover fellow cello-wielding bores Clean Bandit.  Same time next year!

10."Don't Let Me Down" - The Chainsmokers.

Impossibly successful faceless dance act with supremely irritating summer hit.  Don't let me-don't let me-don't let me down-don't let me down-don't let me down.  Remind me what it's called again?? This could probably have done with a guest appearance from Sean Paul.  I mean, surely they can afford him now with all the airplay royalties??

9. "Starving" - Hailee Steinfeld
8. "Sexual" - Neiked

Both of these songs share one very irritating quality - annoying vocals/sound effects.  You know the one. Whether it's the screaming screech in the chorus of "Starving" or that, well, screaming screech two minutes into "Sexual", it's enough to make me launch my radio against the wall every time I hear these songs.

7. "Secret Love Song" - Little Mix featuring Jason Derulo.

I'm not really a fan but credit where it's due, Little Mix have made a few decent pop songs since winning X Factor, but this is not among them.  What propels this into the top 10 of my hate chart is the guest appearance of The Amazing Jason Derulooooooooo And His Autotune Machine.  "Why can't I take my autotune machine out in the street/why can't I take it on the dancefloooooo-autotune-oooooooor?"

6. "Rockabye" - Clean Bandit featuring Anne-Marie and Sean Paul.

Unpopular opinions time again....everyone seems to love this, but for me Clean Bandit will never be anything other than the posh, smug, slappable face of commercial dance music.  This is just a blatant recycling of Sia's "Cheap Thrills", and just to labour the point, they even get the rejuvenated Sean Paul to do his thing, just as he did on....oh, come to mention it, "Cheap Thrills".

Not only was this no.1 for weeks and weeks and weeks, but thanks to the delights of streaming, this completely killed off the tradition of the race for the Christmas no.1.

5. "Closer" - The Chainsmokers.
4. "I Hate U I Love U" - Gnash.

Two songs which I hate in tandem.  "Closer" is a cracking example of the new tedious face of dance music which you can't dance to.  The Chainsmokers' popularity completely escapes me. "#Selfie" was a laugh and a parody to end all parodies, but their newer music is just plain dreary.

Don't get me started on "I Hate U I Love U"....which is a cracking example of the new tedious face of...tedious music, the John Lewisification (!?!) of pop, where everything is slowed down to snail's pace with minimal (usually piano) backing.  I hate this, I hate this....

3.  "7 Years" - Lukas Graham.

This song was all over the radio for at least the first six months of 2016.  Normally I would be cheering if a European act broke through into the British charts but in this instance it just had me reaching for the 'off' button.  Playing devil's advocate for a moment, I can understand the emotional aspect of the song's finale: one day he'll be 60 years old and he hopes that he won't be lonely and that his children will come and visit him occasionally....but I can't see that happening if he keeps singing this bloody song to them.  My main problem with Lukas Graham (the band) is Lukas Graham (the singer) whose voice just grates on me.

2. "One Dance" - Drake.

A song which I managed to escape for the bulk of its almost record-breaking stint at no.1 over the summer.  Whilst I was never particularly a fan of either "Everything I Do, I Do It For You" or "Love Is All Around", both songs had wide-ranging appeal.  To this day I can't understand the appeal of "One Dance" - it's not even a remotely good song, and the autotune (or whatever they used on this) just bumps up the irritation factor.

Where this differs from those other two record-breaking songs from the 90s is that crucially, people chose to buy and own those songs.   My biggest problem with streaming is that it mainly removes ownership from the equation and the main focus is on how many times you listen to a song, without it actually being yours.  Although having said that, who would actually want to own a song as dire as this?

There was never any question about what was going to be no.1 in my chart.  The very first minute I heard this version of a much-loved song, I hated it with a passion and that has not changed.  My number one is....drum roll....

1. "Dancing On My Own" - Calum Scott.

This was an absolute runaway winner as my most-hated track of 2016.  In fact I would go further and say that it is probably the worst of the last 10 years at least.  The most worrying thing about this was that there are people out there who don't know Robyn's version and think this is an original song. 

The original version is a fantastic pop song.  But in this 2016 reinvention, John Lewis Christmas ad-style, all the heartbreak and genuine emotion of the original was replaced with fake emotion and sincerity as this Britain's Got Talent contestant proceeds to destroy everything which was wonderful about Robyn's song.

There are even cover versions of Calum Scott's cover version on YouTube.  Be very afraid.  

So there goes 2016.  I'm sure there will be more songs to hate in 2017 - but most of all, I hope there will be many, many more songs to love :)

2015: The hate chart

Yes my friends, it's the return of the "hate chart" with another year's worth of songs which I never, ever, want to listen to again in my life if I can help it...

10. "Wish You Were Mine" - Philip George
There is good sampling and there is this.  2015 had hardly started when this became an immediate inclusion in my hate chart.  At no time ever is there any excuse for destroying Stevie Wonder's, er, wonderful song "My Cherie Amour".  But Philip George took that chance and produced an ear-splittingly bad piece of dance music to welcome in the new year.  He did later redeem himself with a decent revisiting of Another Level's "Be Alone No More".

9.  "Body On Me" - Rita Ora and Chris Brown
Yes it's Rita "I'm sexy, me!" Ora.  Unfortunately despite releasing a couple of decent singles and coming across as reasonably likeable on X Factor I cannot take her seriously as an artist due to her aggressive, self-publicising sexualisation.  And as sure as night follows day, the video has her prancing around in various states of undress and throwing herself at Chris Brown.  Not a good career move.  Presumably all this is to mask the fact that this is one of the most cliched and bog-standard r'n'b songs to grace the charts in a long time.

8.  "Show Me Love" - Sam Feldt
There seems to have been a spate of sparse dance-cover-reinventions of old hits over the last couple of years.  When they are done well (Felix Jaehn's "Ain't Nobody" for example) it can be a good thing; this on the other hand is one of the worst, a soulless and sparse reimagining of Robin S's enduring dance banger.

7.  "Love Me Like You Do" - Ellie Goulding
Overplayed rubbish from an over-hyped singer who once promised much but then went on to produce a string of overplayed and inexplicably successful hits.  Then something strange happened - she released a song I surprisingly like a lot ("On My Mind") but that was a rarity.  But back to this one - tedious song, irritating voice and appropriately it is the theme song from an equally overrated and tedious film ("Fifty Shades of S****").

6. "Lay Me Down" - Sam Smith
The reigning champion of the EuropeCrazy hate chart and just when we hoped he'd gone away, we were bombarded by not one but two versions of this song in the UK singles chart (the second being a duet with John Legend).  Dismal, manipulative ballad which screams 'talent show audition fodder'.

5.  "Good For You" - Selena Gomez
Yet another depressing example of a former Disney star trying to shake off the shackles of the past, This is sexy/sultry as designed by committee; the fact that Selena still looks a lot younger than her 23 years gives the video a .......disturbing aspect.  As for the song itself, it's just a dire dirge with muffled vocals masquerading as something serious and credible.  And how can you take a song seriously when she sounds like she's singing "I'm farting carrots" at the start of the song?

4.  "House Every Weekend" - David Zowie
This track made history in 2015 as it was the first ever no.1 in the UK singles chart after it moved from Sundays to Fridays.  For such a history-making track, it's a soul-destroying example of the worst type of dance music.  Now I love dance music - always have and always will - but the irritation factor of this is off the scale.  But then again, I'm not in the demographic for this one: I'm quite happy to sit in the house every weekend.

3.  "Summer 2015" - LEJ

Perenially irritating medley of hits from 2015 by a harmonising French female trio with a drum and a cello. They sound like 3 posh students busking in the city centre.  By the time they hit "Uptown Funk" and "Cheerleader" the will to live is lost.  Apparently they did this kind of thing in 2014 as well and that wasn't much better.

No. 2: "Marvin Gaye" - Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor.
In the history of recorded music, can there ever have been a more excruciating lyric than "let's Marvin Gaye and get it on?". Puth then proceeds to pun his way through the Marvin Gaye songbook. Every line a cringe. For a while this was going to top my chart but then I realised that I didn't really hate the song as much as.....

1.  "Hold My Hand" - Jess Glynne.
She is the latest overplayed darling of British radio, and along with Ed Sheeran, Ellie Goulding and Sam Smith has made up about 95% of our radio playlists in 2015.  Any one of her songs could have breezed into my hate chart but this stood head and shoulders over all others as the one I hate the most. I have been in many a heated argument with people who feel that she can do no wrong; whereas for me her voice is like nails down a blackboard and I can't understand her appeal.

2014: the hate chart

After all my love for my top 50 songs of the year it's time to bring back an old feature on this blog from a few years ago, my hate chart.  Now I'm not one for negativity but the quality of chart music reached new lows in 2014 was so dire that I couldn't let the end of the year pass without a reminder of some of the horrific so-called "music" which we had to suffer.  I know many of you will probably disagree with some/most/all of my choices, as these songs were all either critically acclaimed and/or chart hits, but remember these are only my own opinions!!

10.  Rather Be - Clean Bandit feat Jess Glynne
One of the year's most played and overhyped songs.  This represents everything which I hate about the British music scene and Radio 1 in particular.  Smug posh students with their "aren't we great, fusing cellos and classical music with credible daaaaance music".  Yawn.  And as if that wasn't bad enough, every end-of-year musical retrospective seemed to feature this song.

9.  Stay High (Hippie Sabotage Mix) - Tove Lo
Now I know that I would usually be supporting European, and particularly Swedish, artists on this blog but here goes with the #unpopularopinion - I just don't get the Tove Lo hype.  The original is slightly more bearable than this particular mix which is just annoyingly repetitive.

8.  I Got U - Duke Dumont feat Jax Jones
I liked "Need U (100%)" but this is something different altogether.  Sampling from a Whitney Houston song is bad enough (I wasn't a fan, sorry) but every time I hear that 'as long as I got you baby' I want to throw the radio at the wall; that would be a waste of a very good radio though. 

7.  Chandelier - Sia
I loved Sia's work with Zero 7 back in the day but the chorus of this is so ear-splittingly unlistenable. Another unpopular opinion I suppose, as she is very popular and this song is loved by many, but I reach for the off button whenever it comes on the radio.

6.  Say Something - A Great Big World feat Christina Aguilera
This song was this year's Chasing Cars, soundtracking all the 'emotional' bits on reality/talent shows.  The video was on high rotation on the music channels at the time my mum was very ill so this song just has bad memories for me. 

5.  Hideaway - Kiesza
This potentially could have been a good song, with its retro-dance vibe.  And then she goes and spoils it all with the worst non-chorus of the year.  Throw in the beyond-irritating one-take video, and off it goes.

4.  Wake Me Up - Gareth Malone's All-Star Choir
Yeah I know it's for charity and all that, but this is like a John Lewis ad version of Avicii and Aloe Blacc's overplayed country-dance tune.  I don't know why anyone would want to listen to this more than once - no, in fact I don't know why anyone would even want to listen to this once. 

3.  Problem - Ariana Grande feat Iggy Azalea
Grande is yet another one of those young stars who started off in a US TV kids show and seem to think it's their God-given right to become proper pop stars.  Azalea is an overrated Aussie rapper.  Together, this makes my ears bleed.

2.  Real Love - Tom Odell
Before I slaughter this song, let's all have a big "awwww" at Monty the John Lewis penguin, star of their 2014 Christmas ad.  Unfortunately the John Lewis Christmas ad means a boring slowed-down version of an old hit, performed by an equally irritating performer.  In this case, Tom Odell destroying the Beatles song.  I can't even listen to this, and it would have topped my chart had it not been for .....

1.  Money On My Mind - Sam Smith
2014's Hype of the Year, I mean Brits Critics Choice award winner - I still chuckle at how ridiculous that is, giving out awards to people who haven't really done anything yet.  I had high hopes after his excellent vocals on Disclosure's "Latch" but that "La La La" song should have been a warning.  Sam Smith as a solo artist does nothing for me.  This for me is 2014's most irritating song, by the year's most overrated artist.

2010: the hate chart

A couple of weeks ago I finished counting down my most-loved tracks of 2010. But of course where there is love, there is also hate....so it’s my great pleasure to present to you the EuropeCrazy Hate Chart of 2010. The only criteria for this chart is that every time one of these songs comes on the radio or on a TV music channel, it’s switch-off time.

Given the amount of rubbish around this year, I could have done a top 100, but I've managed to cut it down to a top 20 :)

1. Whip My Hair - Willow Smith: a very late addition to my chart, but as soon as I heard this I knew it would be a hate chart-topper. As the old saying goes, children should be seen and not heard.
2. Replay - Iyaz: worst example of autotuned chipmunk rubbish. And Sean Kingston had something to do with it....it’s like a guarantee of quality in reverse.
3. Like A G6 - Far East Movement: I like dance music, and I’d like more of it in the charts please. As long as it doesn’t sound like this.
4. The Club is Alive - JLS: I had high hopes for them after X Factor, however this might well be their career low point, boasting some of the worst lyrics of the year. And that’s saying something!
5. Ridin’ Solo - Jason Derulo: OK I’ll admit that "What If" was a nice record, but apart from that he was one of the year’s major irritants. And this was one of the most irritating of all.
6. Famous - Scouting for Girls: They probably thought it was clever, but this contains some of the worst lyrics of the year. In a year when bands were practically non-existent, it continues to be a great mystery why this so-called ‘band’ are so popular.
7. Anything by N-Dubz: "I Need You" excepted, this act has no redeeming features whatsoever. If this is the sound of young Britain, then I’m glad I’m old.
8. Anything by the Glee cast: Don’t get me wrong, I like the programme. It’s original, smart and funny, and I enjoy it a lot...until they start singing their autotuned, sanitised cover versions. Which will no doubt overrun the chart again when season 2 starts.
9. Baby - Justin Bieber: see no.1 for explanation. I can’t understand his popularity at all, but then I’m probably not 9 years old. He’s like the new Jimmy Osmond - who was in my hate chart when I was 9 years old!!
10. You’ve Got The Love - Florence and the Machine: Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and throwing the radio out of the window whenever any of her 17 versions of this comes on. But that would be a waste of a good radio :)
11. Promise This - Cheryl Cole: In these bland times, Ms Cole proves that you can go a long long way with no talent whatsoever. She can take her alouette-ette-ette and shove it where the sun don’t shine.
12. Heroes - X Factor Finalists: OK it’s for charity n’all, but even that doesn’t excuse the latest in a long line of Cowellised cover versions with all the life sucked out of them.
13. Pass Out - Tinie Tempah: rubbishy overrated electro-rap. See no.7 for further explanation. Please go away, and take Tinchy Stryder, Devlin, Chipmunk, Skepta and Roll Deep with you.
14. Anything ‘featuring Will.i.am’ or ‘featuring Pitbull’ or ‘featuring Flo Rida’: avoid. That accounts for about 75% of the ‘songs’ released in 2010 then.
15. Shout - Dizzee Rascal & James Corden: now I know Dizzee’s done some good stuff, but this was career suicide, teaming up with Britain’s unfunniest man. No wonder England didn’t do well at the World Cup...."World In Motion" it definitely ain’t.
16. The Time (Dirty Bit) - Black Eyed Peas: to think there once was a time when the BEP were good, and they didn’t have to resort to rubbishy Dirty Dancing cover versions like this.
17. Natteravn - Rasmus Seebach: I can’t understand the popularity of this big summer hit, which I found very irritating.
18. Empire State of Mind - Alicia Keys: both versions dominated every radio playlist for the first six months of this year so I never want to hear it again.
19. Rude Boy - Rihanna: the inclusion of this in my chart was probably grounds for divorce, as she is one of faithful travelling companion’s faves, however a break-up was averted thanks to the inclusion of....
20. Billionaire - Travie McCoy feat Bruno Mars: all together now, sing along...."I wanna be a billionaire, so frickin’ bad!"