Friday, January 01, 2016

2015: The hate chart

Yes my friends, it's the return of the "hate chart" with another year's worth of songs which I never, ever, want to listen to again in my life if I can help it...

10. "Wish You Were Mine" - Philip George
There is good sampling and there is this.  2015 had hardly started when this became an immediate inclusion in my hate chart.  At no time ever is there any excuse for destroying Stevie Wonder's, er, wonderful song "My Cherie Amour".  But Philip George took that chance and produced an ear-splittingly bad piece of dance music to welcome in the new year.  He did later redeem himself with a decent revisiting of Another Level's "Be Alone No More".

9.  "Body On Me" - Rita Ora and Chris Brown
Yes it's Rita "I'm sexy, me!" Ora.  Unfortunately despite releasing a couple of decent singles and coming across as reasonably likeable on X Factor I cannot take her seriously as an artist due to her aggressive, self-publicising sexualisation.  And as sure as night follows day, the video has her prancing around in various states of undress and throwing herself at Chris Brown.  Not a good career move.  Presumably all this is to mask the fact that this is one of the most cliched and bog-standard r'n'b songs to grace the charts in a long time.

8.  "Show Me Love" - Sam Feldt
There seems to have been a spate of sparse dance-cover-reinventions of old hits over the last couple of years.  When they are done well (Felix Jaehn's "Ain't Nobody" for example) it can be a good thing; this on the other hand is one of the worst, a soulless and sparse reimagining of Robin S's enduring dance banger.

7.  "Love Me Like You Do" - Ellie Goulding
Overplayed rubbish from an over-hyped singer who once promised much but then went on to produce a string of overplayed and inexplicably successful hits.  Then something strange happened - she released a song I surprisingly like a lot ("On My Mind") but that was a rarity.  But back to this one - tedious song, irritating voice and appropriately it is the theme song from an equally overrated and tedious film ("Fifty Shades of S****").

6. "Lay Me Down" - Sam Smith
The reigning champion of the EuropeCrazy hate chart and just when we hoped he'd gone away, we were bombarded by not one but two versions of this song in the UK singles chart (the second being a duet with John Legend).  Dismal, manipulative ballad which screams 'talent show audition fodder'.

5.  "Good For You" - Selena Gomez
Yet another depressing example of a former Disney star trying to shake off the shackles of the past, This is sexy/sultry as designed by committee; the fact that Selena still looks a lot younger than her 23 years gives the video a .......disturbing aspect.  As for the song itself, it's just a dire dirge with muffled vocals masquerading as something serious and credible.  And how can you take a song seriously when she sounds like she's singing "I'm farting carrots" at the start of the song?

4.  "House Every Weekend" - David Zowie
This track made history in 2015 as it was the first ever no.1 in the UK singles chart after it moved from Sundays to Fridays.  For such a history-making track, it's a soul-destroying example of the worst type of dance music.  Now I love dance music - always have and always will - but the irritation factor of this is off the scale.  But then again, I'm not in the demographic for this one: I'm quite happy to sit in the house every weekend.

3.  "Summer 2015" - LEJ
Perenially irritating medley of hits from 2015 by a harmonising French female trio with a drum and a cello. They sound like 3 posh students busking in the city centre.  By the time they hit "Uptown Funk" and "Cheerleader" the will to live is lost.  Apparently they did this kind of thing in 2014 as well and that wasn't much better.

No. 2: "Marvin Gaye" - Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor.
In the history of recorded music, can there ever have been a more excruciating lyric than "let's Marvin Gaye and get it on?". Puth then proceeds to pun his way through the Marvin Gaye songbook. Every line a cringe. For a while this was going to top my chart but then I realised that I didn't really hate the song as much as.....

1.  "Hold My Hand" - Jess Glynne.
She is the latest overplayed darling of British radio, and along with Ed Sheeran, Ellie Goulding and Sam Smith has made up about 95% of our radio playlists in 2015.  Any one of her songs could have breezed into my hate chart but this stood head and shoulders over all others as the one I hate the most. I have been in many a heated argument with people who feel that she can do no wrong; whereas for me her voice is like nails down a blackboard and I can't understand her appeal.

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