Venue: the living room, EuropeCrazy HQ.
Present:
Laura and her mum. One of these is an all-round Eurovision addict, and one isn't.
Opening:
M: So explain this semi-final thing to me then.
L: You watch it every year.
M: Do I? I don't like it. I prefer the final. These semi-finals are too long.
L: Stefan Raab: he's the Jonathan Ross of German telly.
M: Means nothing to me. Oh what a horrible dress that one on the left is wearing. I hope she's not going to wear that all night.
L: They are all annoying me already. He's looking too smug.
M: Is this ever starting?
L: It's like Melodifestivalen - 15 minute intro.
Poland:
M: I think she's saying 'Never mind the song, have a look at my legs'
L: They're like Poundland Beyonce. Now get off. And she's so out of tune.
Norway:
L: I like this, it's good fun. But she still can't sing for toffee.
M: It's not the worst.
L: I hope it qualifies but....she's still so flat. And I don't like the psychedelic background.
Albania:
L: Total waste of time. Too shouty.
M: Let me share my song with you? No thanks. Her nails were more interesting than the song.
Armenia:
M: I could really go a cone.
L: So could I. (Laura heads to the kitchen and prepares two vanilla cones, thus avoiding having to listen to the rubbishy Armenian entry).
M: You never missed much.
Turkey:
L: spends most of the song reminiscing about Turkish rock bands in ESC and going all misty-eyed about how Mor ve Ötesi didn't have to rely on any stupid gimmicks like a contortionist in a hamster ball. There were too many distractions in this one.
Serbia:
L: They've raided the fancy dress shop for a 60s theme party. This is missing Austin Powers.
M: Don't like this.
L: She's quite charismatic and seems to be enjoying it though.
Russia:
At this point a major disagreement erupts about the merits of "Get You".
L: This is my favourite song of the evening.
M: It's not up to much.
L: It was co-written by the most famous producer in the world today!
M: I don't care, he's a good singer but with this song he doesn't have much to work with.
L: Well I like it!
Switzerland:
L: This is the one with the Jason Mraz vibe. It started well but there's something I don't like about her voice, the song would have been better if someone like Colbie Caillat sang it. In fact it's a bit of a Colbie Caillat ripoff.
M: Too many na-na-na-nas.
Georgia:
L: They're sailing through with this one.
M: Why?
L: That whole Within Temptation/Nightwish/Evanescence female-fronted rock band thing was always big in Europe.
M: Don't like it. Too much shouting.
L: Song's not particularly great but they've done it well.
Finland:
L: spends first minute of the song explaining how Father McKenzie's "Good Enough" should have won the Finnish national final. I jumped on that Jeff Brazier comparison before Scott Mills did, by the way.
M: Someone should drop that big ball of the world on his head. Those lyrics are awful.
L: Really want to punch his face now. And Scott Mills was right, he seems to have got more smug as the song went on.
Malta:
L: This is the gayest thing you'll see all night.
M: Is it gay in a happy way?
L: This is ok. Some gay old boy-pop. Won't qualify.
M: Poor old Malta. They never do well.
San Marino:
M: Where's San Marino?
L: spends first minute of the song explaining San Marino's geographical and linguistic position.
M: This is boring.
L: I'm disappointed, she doesn't have much of a voice at all for this type of song.
Croatia:
L: spends first minute of the song explaining how the Croatian final chose the song and singer.
M: there are too many women singers on this show tonight. She's all hair and legs.
L: I don't like her at all. Her voice is rubbish. Oh look - costume change!
M: Is this live?
L: Yes.
M: I'd rather watch the magician guy.
Iceland:
L: gives very brief explanation of back story.
Probably for the first time tonight we both shut up and listen to the song.
M: That was a nice pleasant melodic little ditty.
L: Yes I still like it a lot. And it stands up well on its own even without the back story. Really hope it qualifies.
Hungary:
M: She looks like a 58 year old man in a frock.
L: I don't like this one bit, but it will qualify.
M: What about the song?
L: What about my ears??
Portugal:
M: They're like the Village People.
L: This song has been on for about half an hour.
M: People will struggle to find joy during this one.
L: Well I'm not struggling (spends remainder of songs in hysterical giggling fit).
M: This reminds me of when Eurovision was more fun.
Lithuania:
L: This is soooo musical theatre.
M: What language is this in?
L: English and a bit of French to grab some votes from the French speakers. Oh look, sign language now.
M: This song is rubbish. Most boring song all night.
L: It is.
Greece:
M: Well this is a bit different.
L: Ooh he's nice.
M: I like the breakdancing. And the guy.
L: Ooh yes, I like him. Hope this qualifies so we can see him (Loukas) again.
L: That's it then.
M: Thank goodness.
Reprise time: Mum is only favourable about Norway, Iceland and Greece; I'm also sharing the love for these, the latter for exclusively shallow reasons, especially that moment when Loukas throws his jacket open and goes into full-on Greek balladry.
L: I want to go to Greece!!
Oh look, there's Blue! Looking very fed up and edgy for some reason.
M: "I can't, I won't, I know, I can't". Wish they'd have done something in their old style.
L: Like "All Rise" or "Fly By".
M: Yes.
More interviews then it's results time! Before the show started I put an asterisk on my scoresheet against the 10 songs which I thought would qualify. As it turned out, I got 7 out of 10 right: it would appear that it's no longer enough for Armenia and Turkey to turn up, and I'm pretty gutted for Norway missing out on the final. Despite opening the voting from the beginning of the show - something which for years was denied due to the possibility of it favouring the opening songs - the first five songs tonight were completely killed by the draw. Expect the same thing to happen on Thursday, Bosnia-Herzegovina excepted of course.
Delighted for Iceland and Russia though. Well done!
So now it's on to semi final 2. I'll be watching it on my own - mum's chosen not to watch it, but we'll be back together again for the final!
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