Friday, July 03, 2015

The day after the darkest day of my life

I would normally post personal stuff over at my other blog Random Ramblings but in this instance I thought it would be more appropriate to post it on here, because regular readers will know how close me and my mum were, and how much she meant to me.

Yesterday, Thursday 2nd July 2015, was the day that I lost my best friend, my beautiful, funny, loving, wonderful mum.

Since her admission to hospital three days ago with COPD and kidney failure, she slept peacefully, occasionally coughing or muttering the odd word or phrase.  When I arrived at hospital yesterday to visit her, I immediately had this sense that the end was approaching.  Her condition had deteriorated, her face had changed, and it was as if she was slowly slipping away, but appeared to be in no pain.  I never left her side.  Just a few hours later, her breathing slowed and then she gently and peacefully left us.

I am glad that I got to share her last hours with her and had the chance to say goodbye. She died in hospital surrounded by her loved ones, just under 48 hours after she was admitted, and received the best possible care from the terrific nursing staff within the high dependency unit.  Some other little things happened yesterday which also provided much-needed comfort and gave me the reassurance to get through the darkest day of my life.

There have been moments of eerie calm and normality, moments of humour, moments of explosive tears, moments of utter crushing emptiness and loss, and anger, and pain, and there was a moment just now when I was just going to go through to her room and ask her something, before I remembered that I couldn't do that any more. And then I cried again.  But then I think of something funny which she said, or did, (which was often) and I smile, or laugh again.  And for a second I feel guilty - I shouldn't be smiling when my world has just fallen apart. But then I realise I shouldn't feel guilty after all, because I want to celebrate and remember her with happiness. To constantly remember the things which made her happy, and everything she did to make me and everyone around her happy. She will always be alive in my heart, and will never leave me.  She will never be 'past tense'.  Already I feel her guiding me, like an inner voice.

Now comes the unbearable and frightening prospect of spending the rest of my life without her. But she always used to say to me, even in the darkest times, that "everything will be ok".  And so it will, because I believe her. I am also lucky to have a partner whose love and support is endless, and he is helping me to get through this.

I am probably going to write more posts over at Random Ramblings in the next few days.  At some point in the future (I don't know when), I will also finally post my Eurovision semi-finals and grand final reviews. Regular readers will know that my mum always watched ESC with me and passed the odd witty comment or two along the way.  (And even if she said she didn't like Eurovision, she didn't really mean it!)  As I said in an earlier post,  I lost my notes but will continue to search for them. Even though they are going to be very late, I want to post the reviews as a tribute, so please bear with me.